How Does Divorce Affect Preteens?

After 12 years of marriage, my ex wife Amy and I decided that it was finally time to end the long hard road we had traveled on for several years now. We got married and were truly in love for many years but we both began to change in many ways and our lives started to take us in different directions.

We eventually grew apart and often did not see eye to eye. We were constantly arguing and couldn’t seem to agree on anything. We believed that it wold be much better for our kids if we ended the marriage and lived separately.

Our 11 year old son Jacob was very hurt by our decision. We talked to him about the situation in terms that we thought he would have been able to understand. Once he knew that I was moving out I could see the hurt and resentment in his eyes. He thought I was leaving him, not his mom.The grief that came with the realization that our marriage was over was very hard to watch. Jacob was embarrassed to talk about our divorce with his friends and felt like he was alone.

[pullquote]Although we knew that we could no longer live together, we also knew it was going to be a very difficult time in our lives. What we didn’t realize was the impact that it would have on our children. It took several months before Jacob stopped thinking that I had left him. Constant communication was the key for us. We both talked to Jacob about why we really did not live together any longer and constantly told him that we both  loved him just as much now as we did before the divorce.[/pullquote]

I did all I could to keep the communication lines open between us though. I put in extra hours at work so I could make special trips to see the kids on weekends. I spent time with them all one on one and told them every day how much I loved them. While reassurance from Jacob’s mother and I was great, what made the biggest positive impact on him came when he finally able to open up to his close friends.

It was then that he discovered that he was not alone. Many of his friend’s parents had gotten divorced, and some of them even remarried. Others lived in homes where their parents fought daily and they wished their parents would find a way to work through it or end it as we had done.

Unfortunately, divorce is not something that is unheard of. Once he realized that it was possible to have fun and live life to the fullest even if we were not married, it got easier for him. It did take some work but the love that a parent has for their child can help heal the hurts and bring a smile back to their face.